Parenting in a Judgy World: How to Stay Grounded

Key Points

• Parents often feel judged—especially during toddlerhood—based on one small moment in time.

• Public scrutiny and parenting advice can spark self-doubt, shame, and anxiety.

• Judgment cuts across all parenting stages, from pregnancy through adolescence.

• Judgment thrives in comparison; curiosity, context, and compassion can break the cycle.

• Supportive communities and self-compassion help parents stay grounded and resilient.

Two weeks ago, I was boarding a flight with my 5-year-old. Happily, she was waiting patiently to get on the flight. Behind me was a mom traveling alone with her toddler, who was struggling with the wait to board. She handed her daughter her phone to watch PBS Kids as we waited in the jetway. She then said to me, “I don’t let her have electronics usually. This is just a one-time thing.” She had felt the need to justify her decision to me. I felt horrible as I did not want her to feel judged. I’ve felt judged many times in my parenting, and it hurts and undermines my confidence as a parent.  

For example, a few years ago, I was flying alone with my then 3-year-old. My daughter was tired, restless, and determined to get out of her seat. I tried all my usual tricks—snacks, a favorite stuffed animal, my phone with her beloved Bluey—yet she just wasn’t having it. As I juggled her squirming body with our carry-on and attempted to buckle the seatbelt, I felt a sharp gaze from a parent sitting across the aisle. He sighed dramatically, shook his head, and mumbled something about “screen time these days.” My cheeks burned as I struggled to stay calm in the face of his obvious disapproval.

I’m a mom and a developmental psychology researcher, so I’m fascinated by how parents view one another—and how those judgments affect us. But in that moment, my professional curiosity evaporated, replaced by a sinking feeling of inadequacy. I wondered: Am I doing everything wrong? If you’ve ever felt judged in the parenting realm—whether by strangers on an airplane, fellow parents at the park, or your own family—you’re not alone.

The Toddler Years: A Hotbed for Parenting Judgment

In my research at Nested (and personal experience), parents of toddlers often navigate a maze of public scrutiny. Toddlers are in a stage marked by rapid developmental changes and big emotions that can erupt in very public ways—cue the meltdowns, defiant “no’s,” and resistance to seatbelts on planes. People watching from the sidelines see only the child’s behavior, not the nuanced dance we do behind the scenes to manage stress and maintain some semblance of order.

A 2020 study (among others) shows that parents of young children feel a heightened sense of being watched and judged (Simmons, 2020; Pederson, 2019; Chen & Yu, 2021). Part of the reason is that toddlers’ actions are so visible; another part is our collective tendency to compare what we see in the moment to some idealized notion of perfect parenting. It’s almost a cultural pastime to dish out opinions on feeding methods, sleep routines, potty training, and disciplinary approaches.

It Doesn’t Stop There: Judgment Through All Stages

Of course, toddlerhood isn’t the only time we face such scrutiny. Parenting is a marathon, with challenges in every phase. From conception all the way through the teen years and beyond, judgment follows us like a persistent shadow:

• Pregnancy: Even before the baby is born, social media can shape prospective parents’ self-perception and introduce pressures and judgments from online communities and influencers (Crowe et al., 2020)

• Infancy and Feeding Choices: Even before we hit the toddler stage, many of us wrestle with external opinions on how we feed our babies. Despite movements emphasizing “fed is best,” breastfeeding vs. formula debates continue to spark heated commentary from friends, family, and the internet (Blum, 1999). 

• Elementary-Aged Kids and Screen Time: As kids grow, the concern shifts to how much (or little) screen time they get. Some parents dole out tablets freely; others strictly limit digital media. The gray area in between invites countless opportunities for passive-aggressive remarks or outright disapproval (Radesky, et al., 2016).

• Parenting Teens and “Permissiveness”: Once our children reach adolescence, the stakes feel even higher. Are we giving them too much freedom? Or maybe we’re smothering them? Society loves to label us as either “helicopters” or “hands-off.” In reality, most parents of teens are walking a tightrope, fine-tuning their approach daily.

Why We Judge—and How It Hurts Us

Judgment arises from a natural human tendency to compare ourselves with others. From an evolutionary perspective, we learned to adapt by observing and critiquing group behavior. But in modern parenting culture, these knee-jerk judgments often do more harm than good (Festinger, 1954).

In my own work—and in conversations with colleagues—I see how these attitudes contribute to heightened anxiety and self-doubt among parents. We become fearful of “failing” in front of others, and that fear can drive us away from supportive communities. Ironically, the very people who could help us navigate difficult moments (other parents) may become the people we avoid, simply because we don’t want to risk feeling judged.

Staying Grounded in a World That Loves to Judge

Despite the challenges, we can take steps to stay sane and confident in our parenting journey:

1. Practice Self-Compassion. We extend patience and kindness toward our children—yet we forget to offer ourselves the same grace. The next time you feel that sting of judgment (like I did on the airplane), remind yourself: I’m doing my best. You and your child are allowed to have hard days.

2. Seek Supportive Communities. It’s tempting to avoid all parent groups for fear of judgment, but not every space is created equal. I’ve found small Facebook communities and local parent groups that foster respect and empathy. Surrounding yourself with people who lift you up can make an enormous difference.

3. Understand the Context. Every family’s situation is unique—culturally, financially, and developmentally. Judging others based on a single snapshot (like a frazzled mom on a plane) doesn’t capture the context. Likewise, when someone judges you, try to remember they don’t see your full story.

4. Stay Curious. In my research, I often approach new topics with curiosity rather than criticism. We can apply that same mindset to everyday parenting. Instead of condemning another parent’s choices, ask questions (or simply reflect silently): What might be going on beneath the surface? Curiosity fosters understanding, while judgment fuels division (Hardy, 2025).

Rewriting the Narrative

Parenting is already complicated enough without the added burden of unsolicited opinions. Whether we’re worried about our preschooler’s meltdown in public or our teenager’s late curfew, we all share a common thread: We care deeply about our kids and want the best for them.

If we remind ourselves—and one another—that parenting is a learning process, we stand a better chance of reducing the anxiety and guilt that so often accompany these judging eyes. When we see another parent struggling (or we are that struggling parent), we can extend empathy instead of critical glances. Doing so shifts our culture toward genuine support, making the journey a little easier for everyone.

We may never eradicate judgment entirely, but we can change how we respond to it and how we treat others in similar shoes. When I look back on that airplane incident, I realize the only thing that would have eased my burden (and my daughter’s meltdown) was a bit of kindness or even a knowing nod from a fellow parent. Let’s be that kind of community for one another—because parenting is hard enough. We all deserve a break, a smile, and maybe even a helping hand (or a few extra snacks) when the seatbelt sign is on and emotions are running high.

Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional mental health advice. If you need personalized guidance, please reach out to a qualified mental health provider.

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Blum, L. M. (1999). At the breast: Ideologies of breastfeeding and motherhood in the contemporary United States. Beacon Press.

Chen, E. & Yu, Y. (2021). Understanding maternal stress in the digital age: The role of technology in maternal well-being and parenting. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 30(10), 2902–2913. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-021-02114-9

Crowe, S., Foray, A., & Kannis-Dymand, L. (2020). Keeping up with the digital “trendsetters”: A thematic analysis of mothers’ experiences using social media during the transition to parenthood. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 20(1), 446. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12884-020-03114-9

Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117-140.

Hardy, J. H. (2025). Curiosity is the key to the future of learning and development. Industrial and Organizational Psychology, 18(1), 134–138. https://doi.org/10.1017/iop.2024.64

Pedersen, D. E. (2019). The good, the bad, and the “good enough” mother on social media: A qualitative review of postpartum depression’s representation on Instagram and Pinterest. Mental Health & Prevention, 14, 200148. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mhp.2019.200148

Radesky, J. S., Peacock-Chambers, E., Zuckerman, B., & Silverstein, M. (2016). Use of mobile technology to calm upset children: Associations with social-emotional development. JAMA Pediatrics, 170(4), 356–362. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2015.4260

Simmons, H. (2020). Feeling Judged: Parenting Culture and Interpersonal Surveillance. In Surveillance of Modern Motherhood: Experiences of Universal Parenting Courses (pp. 93–118). Springer International Publishing. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-45363-3_5